Tales of the Parodyverse

Post By

killer shrike
Wed Apr 05, 2006 at 11:40:58 pm EDT
Subject
All of Me (And a Little Too Much of Him) Part Three
[New] [Email] [Print] [RSS] [Tales of the Parodyverse]
 		Next In Thread >>

All of Me (And a Little too Much of Him)



Part Three: Killer Shrike, On the Mind


Sarah Shepherdson flopped down onto her apartment’s sofa and removed the kerchief that kept her thick waves of dark hair away from her face when she worked. She absently combed it out with her fingers while kicking off her shoes.

(Time for another shower?)

After a brief chuckle the waitress shook her head, “No, Simon. Sorry to disappoint you,” she dumped out her truncated shift’s meager wages from her apron onto the coffee table and began counting, “I rather think its time to talk.”

(What a f****** stunner.)

“Simon, while I appreciate you trying to help me with Kerry-”

(Whoah whoah whoah! Help you?! I didn’t bust those twerps’ chops to help you. I did it ‘cause nobody disrespects Killer Shrike. Er, even if I am just a disembodied voice in the back of some dame’s skull at the time.)

Sarah nodded, “Of course. But really, what we need to discuss is how your rant has affected everyone. You shocked Kerry and Danny to get them to listen, but that type of ploy only works once. You upset Mr. Papapapadopolis so much he insisted I take the rest of the day off, which leaves him shorthanded and me shortchanged. And you’ve demonstrated a total disregard for personal boundaries when you took over my body like that,” something that concerned the young woman more than she let on.

(Ask me if I care about any of that s***.)

“Oh, I think you should care, Simon. After all, now with all this free time we have nothing else to do than to get better acquainted. Find out what makes each other tick. Get to know the real Killer Shrike and Sarah Shepherdson.”

(I ain’t having no General Foods International Coffee Moment gab session with you, you crazy broad.)

She smiled pleasantly, “We’ll see. I’m guessing the only thing you hate more about being trapped here with me is not being able to grump about it,” Sarah tucked her legs up under her and got comfortable, “So, where do you want to start? Family? Education? Favorite color? We’ve got the whole day….”

*****



The Man Who Would Be Killer Shrike watched as his gang of Hero Feeders frog marched the Heckblazer into the dungeon tableaux set in the dimly lit basement of Lady Astorium’s Wax Museum. The feral shades fit their capture with Anti-Story Manacles and looked expectantly to their master. With a happy sigh he put aside his X-Box and sauntered over to the struggle.

“Take the bag off,” he commanded. One of the Lurkers Behind pulled the cowl from Johnstantine’s head. The British occultist blinked his eyes and coughed before his countenance resumed its typical smirk.

“Damn. I was hoping you were a Hell Lord or some other high-ranking muckity muck. Doesn’t do well for my rep to be taken out by a nobody.”

“Sorry,” the young man in the eye make-up shrugged, “I’m not part of the usual clusterf*** of cosmic nuisances you manage to get one up on because they underestimate you.”

“But your not one to make that mistake, that right?”

“Not really, no,” the villain hooked his thumbs under his thin leather braces and snapped them for effect. Con recognized the sartorial accessory.

“Suspenders of Disbelief? Where’d you find those?”

“They were a birthday gift. As were the Chains and the Logic Shields I’m using to keep your many associates from finding this place.”

“Quite the metatextual arsenal you’ve managed to stockpile,” Johnstantine admitted.

“When you’re hunting big game, you need the big guns,” The Man Who Would Be Killer Shrike noted as he pulled Atropos’s Shears from the pocket of his cargo pants.

“I wouldn’t exactly call Maddicks big game.”

The Goth began cutting away Con’s dress shirt, “He’s not. But Killer Shrike is supposed to be one of the heavy hitters of the Parodyverse. S***, KS gets to draw the curtain on the whole damn show. But you’re right; Maddicks is a clown. I needed these Artifacts to take down the people who tried to stop me from assuming his title. The Hero Feeders wiped out those alternate plots set up by the Shaper of Worlds to keep him in continuity. The Logic Shields confuse the usual hero crowd. The Suspenders to help me if your bunk buddy the Probability Dancer decides to show. And the Chest in case things turn really pear-shaped.”

“You have a Chest of Deus Ex Machina?”

“Yup,” the villain had exposed Johnstantine’s own torso and was using the long blades of the shears to slice at it, “I came to this prepared.”

Con winced slightly from the pain of having his skin removed by the scissors of the Fates, “So I suppose you could say nothing can stop you now, eh?”

“Heh, Nice try,” TMWWBKS smiled as he gouged deeper into the Heckblazer, “No, this is the part where I ask you to tell me where you’ve stowed Maddicks, and then torture you until you do. But then, I’m sure you knew that already.”

*****


(The man’s a genius. So many other guys try to do what he can, but they come off as nothing more than high-steppin’ pretty boys. With Segal its all about maximizing his strikes and blocks. Economy of movement. Give me him over that prancing sumb**** Jet Li any day.

“I’m not familiar with the oeuvre of Steven Segal, so I’ll have to take your word for it,” Sarah grinned happily, “My interests lean to another type of fancy footwork. Do you like musicals?”

(Yeah, ‘cuz I’m a flippin’ chick. Uh, you know what I mean.

“I do.”

(Clint Eastwood and Lee Marvin couldn’t even make a musical cool.)

“Ouch. If Paint Your Wagon is your only exposure to the genre, I say you owe it another shot. Try West Side Story or Singin’ in the Rain. They’re classics.”

(Pass.)

The lithe brunette stood and stretched, “It would do you good to broaden your horizons a bit, Simon. You know, women tend to be drawn to a well-rounded man…”

(Complicated women, maybe. These last eight hours have reminded me I don’t need that hassle)

“Why, that’s the nicest thing you’ve said to me in all the time I’ve known you,” she cast a hasty glance to the phone.

(Prince Charmless ain’t calling, Legs. It might be the Big Nasty got him, which, I gotta admit, makes me feel a bit conflicted.)

“Con’s fine. He’s wormed his way out of worse scrapes than this. Still, maybe its time to call on some help.”

(Sounds like a good idea. The Hooded Hood owes me for kicking the Chain Knight’s a** back then. From what I’ve heard he might owe you as well. Heh heh heh.)

“Nooo, it’s usually not a good idea to ask the Hood for favors. Not unless you want to become a pawn in one of his elaborately designed schemes to reorganize the Parodyverse,” besides, the young waitress thought, there was no way of knowing whether or not the Cowled Crime Czar already had his fingers in this particularly sinister soup, “No, I think we should ring up Visionary. He’s good at inadvertently throwing off apocalyptic scenarios. And I should call him anyway to explain why I cursed out Kerry earlier.”

(Like that needs enlightenin’. Look, don’t go getting the heroes involved in this. Those spazzes could screw up a free lunch.)

Shep ignored him and picked up her phone, “Aw, C’mon, KS, won’t it be fun to see some of your old sparring partners again? Vizh, Trickshot, Dancer, hey: maybe the planets are in their proper alignment and Keiko’s come to visit. It could be an Offenders Reunion.”

”No.”

Sarah smashed the receiver into the side of her mandible at the exact place necessary to cold cock her. She collapsed back onto the couch, unconscious as the shattered remnants of the plastic device exploded in her face. For several moments she laid still. Then her body spasmed wildly and she began to scream.

“Ah! M********** G****** piece of J** s*** phone!!”

Simon rubbed Sarah Shepherdson’s jaw wrathfully before standing. Then he kicked off her heels and ran to her bedroom. He made a surprisingly quick and chaste change of clothes. Picking up the woman’s gymbag the transplanted Butcher Bird used it to carry what he raided from the apartment’s tool drawer and kitchen for the accoutrements he would need, and then left.

To Be Concluded


cpe-24-160-18-76.sw.res.rr.com (24.160.18.76) U.S. Company
Palm Web Pro/Windows XP (0.15 points)
[New] [Email] [Print] [RSS] [Tales of the Parodyverse]
Follow-Ups:

Echo™ v3.0 alpha © 2003-2006 Powermad Software
Copyright © 2004-2006 by Mangacool Adventure